I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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