I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
