I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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