im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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