That's intense
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
