Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
