dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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