last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
