1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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