I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I AM VODKA MAN
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
