my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
