god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
