You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
