Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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