We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
