I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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