It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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