nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
