I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
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I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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