Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
