Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
