Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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