my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
