This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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