You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
im on a boat
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