This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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