god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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