I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it was like eating out sand paper
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Vodka?
Forever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
