Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
