"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
