I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
