Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
