1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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