i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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