dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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