I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
