Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
