Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
