My hair reeks of homosexuality.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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