Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
