just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
