I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
