the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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