dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
