i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
