I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
