Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
