fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
