My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
