thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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