Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
