he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
