barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
