Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
