Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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