Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
