He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
