yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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