im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
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Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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