you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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