Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
