Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
