i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
