I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you have to choose: penises or morals?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
